did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
