dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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