this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you didnt know i had herpes?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Randomize
