Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
