Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
