Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
