I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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