Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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