that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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