Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize