Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
