I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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