Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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