so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
