don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
