I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
