I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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