Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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