As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
