The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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