i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
