I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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