Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
