Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
