The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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