Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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