honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Plan B is the new Plan A
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize