My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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