hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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