Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Randomize
