All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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