I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
