whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
