she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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