This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
