God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
