I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
