3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
