I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
