I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
