Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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