I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
