nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
