I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
