omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
