i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
