Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Randomize
