I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
