i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
