Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize