she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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