That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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