Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize