I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Randomize
