My liver just broke up with me...
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
