I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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