My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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