he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
