Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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