Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
