You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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