so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
