I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
They have beer where we have blood.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
