cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
