So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
