please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
