we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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